Food “porn” without wangs is false advertising

Let’s fix that, shall we?

What the fuck this is:

The Edible Erotic Adventures of Esmerelda Poppingcorn is a saucy, sticky, and sensual romp through the world of food, as seen through the eyes of a thirty-something woman who can no longer repress her deepest, darkest sexual desires. And some of those desires involve ham.

This Substack is serialized food-centric erotic soap opera set in the mysterious town of Lake Nipples, and it’s going to be uncomfortable for everyone involved. It might also make you want to bone, and if so, I wish you nothing but the best in your endeavors.

Once a week a new chapter of Esmerelda’s adventures will be delivered straight to your inbox. It is free to follow along with the bulk of the story, but the chapters with all the hardcore banging/cold cuts are for subscriber eyes only, because if I freely dispense those chapters, I will get arrested. Paid subscribers also get a special P.S. email every week, which might be a recipe for you to do very dirty things with (like doughnuts!), a bonus chapter, a titillating tidbit of local lore, or something else entirely because who knows what the fuck could happen in Lake Nipples.

My deal

I’m a humorist, author, and food writer that’s been nominated for a James Beard award, which I’m sure they’re regretting now. I’ve written lots of things for very impressive newspapers, magazines, and websites, but I don’t think any of them will appreciate me dragging them into this, so you’re just going to have to trust me on that.

To find out more about the company that provides the tech for this newsletter, visit Substack.com.