Last time in Lake Nipples…
“I can’t do it,” Lily painfully whispered, straining to keep the words to herself, but unable to stop the torrent of doubt that was bursting forth. Tears streamed from her eyes as she gulped for air.
Lily’s body began to vibrate hard and fast like a beeper, and its message was 1-4-3, 9-1-1.
“I can’t do it. I can’t marry Tom. I don’t love him.”
“Of course you love him,” said Esmerelda as she laid on the floor next to her and held her close.
“No, I don’t” said Lily, her breath slowing down as she snuggled her face between her best friend’s dynamite cans.
“I don’t love Tom. I’m in love with someone else.”
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“Who?” whispered Esmerelda.
Lily stared blankly for a few moments as the enormity of her words set in, then sat up and shook her head back and forth like a wet golden retriever,
“I don’t know yet. I just know it’s not him. I mean Tom is perfect, isn’t he? Smart. Rich. Handsome. Charming. Rich. And he’s got a gigantic dong.
Esmerelda’s nipples popped like turkey timers. She was a big fan of gigantic dongs.
“But how many times have I cheated on him? I’m just an insatiable hussy who can’t get enough. Oh, curse my mother’s filthy, dirty genes! It’s not my fault that I’m such a naughty, naughty girl — it was my destiny.”
“Lily, you're being ridiculous,” said Esmerelda. “Yes, all the women on your mom’s side of the family are sexually deviant bitches, but just because you’re born into something doesn’t mean you don’t make your own choi—”
“Oh cut it with your Schopenhauer shit. You don’t understand what it’s like to have a ravenous vagina.”
Esmerelda smirked and breathed deeply to get a whiff of her wildly tousled hair, which smelled like pork fat and onions. I might be starting to understand, she thought. Her lady bits had been reborn, and they were ready to par-tay.
“I can’t help it that I’m like this, and I’ll never be able to satiate my hunger for studly peen. That’s never really bothered me before, because people make too big of a deal about the ‘purity’ of sex and monogamy and all that bullshit, as if anything in this world fucking means anything—”
“Ew, Camus,” teased Esmerelda, swatting at Lily’s boob like a playful pussycat.
“Oh my god go read some Laplace you filthy skank!” Lily shot back playfully, swatting her boobs in return. “If reality is a simulation, then I have no choice but to bang lots and lots of guys, now do I? Tom says he doesn’t mind, since I have a stressful job, and he has to spend so many late nights working on a top secret project at the NFT factory. Being a hospital doctor is really hard work, and if I don’t get plowed on the regular, who knows how many people I might accidentally kill?”
Esmerelda nodded. Lake Nipples was a town that had seen its fair share of tragedy. It didn’t need any more.
“But even if Tom doesn’t mind me fucking other men, what if I mind?”
“So you’re saying you want to be monogamous with your as-of-tomorrow husband?”
“I want to want to be monogamous with him! For fucks sake, he’s everything I’m supposed to want, he’s worth hundreds of millions of dollars, and somehow it’s not enough. It’s like I’ve got a gaping hole inside of me, and no matter how many wangs I stuff inside of it, it’s still empty.”
Esmerelda didn’t know what to say. On one hand, she didn’t want her best friend to do something she’d regret. On the other hand, she was questioning the very nature of free will.
“Everything about the way Tom loves me — I want to feel like that about someone else. I used to think maybe I didn’t have it in me to love someone like that. That I was just another saucy minx in a long, prestigious line of hussies. But what if loving someone ‘enough’ isn’t enough for me?”
Lily put her head on her best friend’s shoulder, and the two sat in the darkness of the closet without saying a single word. Esmerelda had always loved Lily like a sister, and loved seeing how happy she was with Tom. How could all of that have been a lie? What other lies were they telling themselves? Did she really love Lily “like a sister,” or had her lifetime of sexual repression covered up something honest and pure? If minimizing her natural desires for the sake of achieving tranquility and having a disposition towards universal beneficence was a mistake, what else had Schopenhauer been wrong about?
Before she was able to make any sense of it all, the violent rumbling of Lily’s stomach brought the two of them back into the present.
“Oh god, I’ve been so lost in my own shit that I forgot I’ve been locked in this closet for five hours and I’m starving,” said Lily. “Where is my sandwich, anyway?”
Esmerelda couldn’t believe she had forgotten about the ham-fueled sexcapade she and Randall had only hours before, but she also didn’t expect to return from Burningham’s to find her best friend thinking about leaving her mega-donged billionaire fiance at the altar. She couldn’t ask Lily to help her unpack all her complicated emotions on the eve of her wedding, especially when she was hungry.
“The sandwiches were full of worms,” Esmerelda lied. She’d done a lot of lying that day, and she was getting good at it.
“What kind of worms?”
“The bad kind. Hey, I have an idea. Let’s go to Sabrosos Colgajos and get tacos.”
“Tacos!” Lily whinnied. “I’ve never seen you eat a taco before.”
“Yeah but I know how much you love them, and I’m… let’s just say I’m open to the idea of trying new things.”
“It’s also an hour away.”
“I don’t mind driving! Let’s get in the car, get the fuck out of Lake Nipples, and go eat so many tacos we drown. Let’s get far, far away from this wedding, and Burningham’s, and those filthy, dirty bi —”
“LILIAN TOOTIE TASHMAN, WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?” squawked Lily’s bitch mother Ruby from downstairs. “YOUR GRANDMOTHER BIT YOUR GRANDFATHER AND YOU NEED TO STITCH HIM UP.”
Lily groaned. “Remind me why I became a doctor again?”
“Because the simulation told you to?” Esmerelda joked.
“I got my mom’s thirsty vag and my dad’s thirst for modern medicine,” Lily said as she stood up and opened the closet door. “FOR FUCK’S SAKE MOM, MAKE DAD DO IT!”
“HE CAN’T HE’S WATCHING TV NOW GO GET YOUR SEWING KIT!”
With another heaving sigh, Lily stepped out of the closet and turned back to her best friend. “I guess tacos are out. I’m sorry I laid all this on you. It’s probably just cold feet, right? I always get irrational when I’m hungry.”
Esmerelda smiled, even though she was disappointed. When she ran away from Lake Nipples all those years ago, she hoped Lily would come with her, and when Lily came to stay at her swanky D.C. apartment, Esmerelda wished she wouldn’t leave. Once Tom entered the picture those dreams disappeared, and she didn’t think much of it — after all, she loved Tom almost as much as Lily did. Seeing the two of them together gave her hope that maybe one day her heart would no longer be bound in a prison of ham; that one day, she, too, would know love. As she watched Lily saunter downstairs with her needle and thread, she wondered if maybe she’d always known love, but was too blind to notice?
“Esme, are you coming? I need someone to hold my grandfather down.”
Esmerelda grabbed a stack of beach towels, closed the linen closet door and followed her best friend down to the kitchen, ready to restrain the old man. Even though this wasn’t her first time at the rodeo, something about it felt different. Something felt… sexy.
Some legitimate tension here. Will they or won't they right this minute go down to taco town?
So great! Love how the familiar tasks of holding down a grandfather is now imbued with such sexiness haha - can't wait til next week!