Greetings and salutations, my darling heathen sluts!
We are now ten whole weeks into The Edible Erotic Adventures of Esmerelda Poppingcorn, and I’m hoping you’re all feeling good and settled in Lake Nipples. I sure as fuck am! And that’s why I’m going to be making some changes around here to enhance your edible erotic experience, and to make this shit much, much more ridiculous.
If you follow me on Twitter or Instagram (WHICH YOU SHOULD), you might already know that the Lake Nipples Substackmatic Universe has been growing exponentially, and I have a lot of story to write. Originally I planned to publish a new chapter every Thursday and a subscriber-only bonus chapter on Mondays, but then I realized that this is my damn Substack and I’m allowed to do whatever I want. And I’ve decided this psychotically intricate, fucked up story is more important than the schedule. The chapter I wrote this week was fucking garbage, so I’m not publishing it. It was a week full of distractions, and if I’m going to be serious about giving you guys the Lake Nipples vacation you deserve, I need to BE in Lake Nipples — heart, mind, soul.
So instead of getting a new “meh” chapter this week, all you sexy party people will be getting two fan-fucking-tastic chapters next week, because you deserve nothing but excellence. While I’m off making chapters 10 and 11 sing like Burt’s army of birds, you guys are getting a dirty discussion thread today, a brand spankin’ new recipe on Friday, and…
Now let’s get to some filthy business, if you guys are brave enough. (Just because you’re too ashamed to comment every week doesn’t mean I can’t see you reading, so let your freak flag fly, folks!)
What are some foods you’d like to see featured in future sexy times?
No, but the fact that they come out molten in the center is cause for concern…HOT pocket or wait five minutes and lukewarm pocket? These are things that keep me up at night.
Okay I have -- and I swear to god I’m being 100% serious -- done research on this, and the move is to make the Hot Pocket, bite off the end, let the steam come out for 5 minutes, and then stick your dick in it. For the record I got this info off the internet, and did not make my husband fuck a Hot Pocket. I asked but he said “no”, and I respect his boundaries.
I once wondered if someone was fingerfucked with a chicken finger, would the breaded coating disengage from the meat? This isn't my suggestion, just my question to the expert. My suggestions are pure 1970s - fondue, water chestnuts, and aspics
Grits.
Watermelon.
Turducken.
Gogurt.
Popeyes Chicken Sandwich.
The P'zone.
It does feel like we need some fruit to balance out the food groups, and watermelon is the sexiest of fruits
You don't hear people saying that about watermelon every day!
<insert a melon baller joke here>
Do you guys think I could get sued by the Gogurt people?
Just think of the publicity!
Yogurt DOES have all those healthy bacteria that clear up yeast infections, but I don't know if it works if it's cotton candy flavored.
One would hope. :D
I've been playing with idea of making someone fuck a Hot Pocket, but do I really want to be on Hot Pockets' bad side?
No, but the fact that they come out molten in the center is cause for concern…HOT pocket or wait five minutes and lukewarm pocket? These are things that keep me up at night.
Okay I have -- and I swear to god I’m being 100% serious -- done research on this, and the move is to make the Hot Pocket, bite off the end, let the steam come out for 5 minutes, and then stick your dick in it. For the record I got this info off the internet, and did not make my husband fuck a Hot Pocket. I asked but he said “no”, and I respect his boundaries.
Sometimes I love the internet
totally board with the grits
I once wondered if someone was fingerfucked with a chicken finger, would the breaded coating disengage from the meat? This isn't my suggestion, just my question to the expert. My suggestions are pure 1970s - fondue, water chestnuts, and aspics
Starting this Substack was the best decision that I have ever made in my entire life.
Why has no one suggested triple Creme Brie for some triple ménage action.
Well someone has now, and I’m into it!
I’d like to see more fruit as well make a pink pineapple or pine berries
^^^My husband, everybody -- the ever classy Jack Mehoff.